The reason WHY

     Here we are at the beginning of fall, my favorite time of the year. I am thankful for change in the air that seasons bring! I don’t know what it would be like without it, but for me a season change spurs on new ideas and thoughts and I am thankful for that! When I think of this time of year, starting at the end of July, all I can think about is the back to school rush! 10 years of working retail helped ingrain in me the NEEDS that families have for this season, getting an entire year of the best clothing all on one day. For us store managers we thrived off of this way of thinking, because lets be honest it effected our sales in a tremendous way.

Now years later on the other side, I am faced with my own season of back to school and having to think through what are the expectations that others place on us as parents. 

   One thing I have learned is that many others have strong opinions on how we should raise our children. Its something everyone feel comfortable sharing with others, but what ends up happening is that I don't ask myself what are MY goals for parenting. These children are a gift that has been given to me, and I want to be careful not to just jump on the bandwagon of what everyone is doing without knowing WHY I am doing it! Since before my oldest was born, people directed me on what I should be doing next, I am so thankful that most of the guidance given to me was so helpful, especially as a new mom, but also as a mom with a son with special needs. I have never been in this situation! I certainly didn't know anything about what I was doing. But here I am 6 years later, now with 3 kids...I am still not a pro and I certainly still need all the help I can get, but one thing I realized recently is that most of my life with kids, someone has told me what to do next! Now, if you know me, you know I am not easily following what the next person says, I think about it, pray about it and think and think lol. But heres what I found is, I had this set of goals for what I want to be doing as a parent, these things I want to teach my children, these values I want to put into place for our family and many people want to suggest to me that that is great! but your are working with a child with special needs, give yourself a break..this is the easier and best way to go...heres what you do_____ almost discarding or making and exception for the values I see as a need.. as if to say oh yes that is good, but focus on that for your other kids. Now before you think I am being bossed around, these influences are all meant in love for me and my kids! None of them are BAD suggestions or meant to harm anyone.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

THIS. This verse is about everything. I mean do I stress about how I am going to raise my kids? Why yes I do. But what I know is that I need to bring all things to God and ask Him for direction. All things! Good things, fun things, things that may be good someday, may be good now. All things. Like...A heeemmmm What about what am I doing with my kids each day? How we spend out time….All things.

Last year I found myself in this situation…. Levi had 2 days a week physical therapy...1 day occupational therapy..3 days preschool which included Ot and PT..horse therapy...integrated soccer...Not to mention the other time I spent with him is many hours of self care, many Dr. visits.. His plead to me every day was “I JUST WANT TO PLAY MOM!!!!” and because I was forcing him into this physically exhausting schedule, I found that he was having a hard time cooperating due to being on this tight schedule as a kid. All of these things are good..all of these things help him! I was wanting to do 1 thing during the week and that was Bible Study which I brought my 2 kids at the time along and each week it was a battle, which I shed tears over. Dang it! I wanted to be there, I needed to be there, but it was HARRRRD!

We had just come off of a heavy last few months schedule wise and during that time I was walking with my friend (I was 7.5 months pregnant with my 3^rd baby) and just said over and over how I hated my days...I hated my schedule! None of it is what I want to be doing with my kids! I just want everything to STOP so I can start fresh. I have this idea of what kind of mom I want to be, and its not happening... I am in the car bopping all over town for one kid because everyone is suggesting this is what I “should” be doing(mind you, no ones fault but my own, trying to do what is right) neither kid getting the attention I needed to give them….So here I was a mess…

My dear friend was willing to look through my schedule with me, and encouraged me to present each of those things to the Lord. She said “He will show you what your should do friend, we can talk through it, but I can’t tell you whats best, God will show you”

Time of Rest

   Very shortly after this time, the Lord helped me with my decision...My husband who has struggled with back issues for nearly 10 years began to quickly decline...my 33 year old husband who is my teammate now suddenly left crawling on the floor..using a cane.. leaving me to care for our kids..lift my 5 yr old..run after my 3 yr old all while pregnant....and ultimately on October 18^th 2015 writhing around on my floor with intolerable pain and admitted in the hospital which led to an emergency back surgery later that week. We were forced in to rest….one week in the hospital and one week at home..I still took levi to therapies and school.. had to let go of a Disney trip we had planned on October 24^th. We thought...wow..we needed this time to not do anything..to rest..re group..re focus.

   His surgery was a breeze...even the recovery was nearly painless thankfully but the dr would not let him return to work for the full 2 weeks (and let me say that was a struggle for him!!) But in it we were resting, and abiding and felt like this must be the break we needed...it was hard because mike could only lift 5 lbs...and both kids well exceeded that lol. On the eve of mike going back to work, some sweet friends from church asked if they could help us with some things around the house..yard work..ect. So they did and it was such a help as he could still not lift or bend. Before they left they asked if there was anything else they could do? And I almost didn’t ask but said..”do you mind getting the crib down from the attic?” knowing that it wouldn’t be in mikes weight capacity for quite some time..so they got it down along with some other baby things and set it in the baby room for me.

   The next morning, 5 am...Lennox flips my lights on for WHO KNOWS WHAT REASON lol and so it startles me and I fly out of bed and as I got on my feet, I realized that my water broke (but,maybe pee?because you never know friends lol) at 32 weeks I was not ready for this and thought..surely this couldn’t be true….Mike is getting ready for work eager to get back, and at 6:30am I say..”honey….there is a chance my water broke, but maybe I just peed (lol sorry but you get it mama’s) go ahead to work...I’ll call you if I need something, I’m going to try to go to bible study this morning” (heheh I am funny….) He was reluctant to go, but I assured him to go ahead...20 min later…. “Hi honey..i know you just got there..i guess I should maybe go to the hospital… sorrr-eeeey!!

So there I went to the hospital and sure enough..water broke..but not in labor...butttt that meant I had to stay there until the baby was born…. You know..live in the hospital. Fun timmmmeees and lots of stories lol!! I was blessed with amazing people who basically took over my home, as now mike was home with the kids, not able to lift them or bend, and my job was to hold off labor for 2 weeks so that this sweet baby could have a little better start. So there we were again….forced in to rest..abiding..trusting Gods provisions (and he DID provide abundantly!!)I tried to keep school going for Levi, and then I realized..what am I doing. This is preschool! And I’m trying to figure out from my hospital bed how to get him there lol. Stop it right now!

I was able to lay there with peace in the way God was caring for us and leading us. November 17^th Hazel Maren was born at 4lbs without any health issues...she had to go through preemie protocol in the NICU which kept us in the hospital until November 27^th. We are thankful for all the precautions we took to keep her healthy but were so glad to get home!!! PLEASE LET US BE HOME!!! NO MORE HOSPITALS!! LOL

However we were advised now we needed to “lay low” with her until at least after the holidays..no family events..no church...dont go anywhere with her as newborns are already susceptible to so much and then a preemie is more fragile. Thats cool….Lol

So here is the thing. We were forced in to rest!!!!! And you know what, in the rest we had confidence and peace in the Lord. It was an awesome time. Nearly 4 months of not doing anything!! Woah man. I was stir crazy,but doing ok!!

Heres what happened. I had more time with my family than EVER before. We were together, there were games we played and books we read and behaviors we worked out and lots and lots of the boys playing and getting a long! It was amazing! So here I was getting ready for Levi’s school to start again, and the recommendation was that he would move to 4 days this semester... and the decision was easy. School. It was so good! It was so fun! His teachers were awesome! BUT I needed to have some time with the boys to cultivate things that were an expectation in OUR home..character training takes time, obedience, sharing, chores, my goodness self care for Levi (man did I see progress in dressing while we were home!!) sometimes it requires be home for a little bit.. I saw changes that were big. I could see that if I didnt’ stop now and work on these things and keep up the momentum I would see my 6 yr old off to school and have missed some great years of building a foundation. NOT THAT ITS IMPOSSIBLE, but everything in our house takes a while, and I knew for us, something would go on the back burner…

So step 1 was not finishing preschool at the beloved special needs school in our area.

Then step 2 was deciding what was next for us? The Lord had put it on Mike and my heart equally that we needed to spend more time on this and felt that homeschooling was important for us at this time..

So the emails started coming for kindergarten round up….TEMPTING.

When many people ask Levi where he is going to school..I had this question of oh man is this right??

Bring all things to the Lord…

When the school called and said “we haven’t seen your registration for Levi for kindergarten this year we just wanted to get you signed up” I was tempted to say “Ok, yes, lets do that...everyone is ready for him, my life with 3 is more of a challenge, this will be easier” but I did NOT. With confidence I was able to say “thank you so much, we have decided to keep teach Levi at home this year” Confidence because I have prayed, and my husband has prayed..and we have seen that this is right for us right now.

We have had so many decisions as parents in a short time, ones that are life changing! The Lord has always given me wisdom when I have asked, I don’t know what I am doing! I cry to Him, I long for the easy road... But the Lord has always shown me what to do.

James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
Proverbs 2:6 For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

I sure want whats best for Levi and all of my kids. Of course I care about socialization lol (hello, if you know me you KNOW I care about that lol) But more importantly, I am raising people. I still need to obey God in the conviction of training up my children in the way they should go, EVEN THOUGH one has special needs..EVEN THOUGH its Hard.

2 peter 1:3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

So we began homeschooling this year, we started slow in the summer and now have officially had 2 full weeks. I am so thankful. It is what I was missing. The structure it has given us, the way that I can see the areas I need to focus on with each child and get the opportunity to help them feel success even if its not done the usual way. Thankful for the laying down of expectations,for intentional parenting instead of being lead by a schedule and others and the freedom it has given me to be the mom I have desired to be for 6 years. (I can’t say I am there, but I’m getting a glimpse)We are doing therapies, we are doing I know that when Levi is faced with a big surgery in January, I can be the one to help him with new personal care and become confident in a private setting as he learns instead of asking the school nurse. This is what God has shown us for this year.

Sometime last week I was faced with a moment I was not ready for and it was someone who let me know they were in disagreement for my decision. That Levi would be much better off in the school set up for special needs. It shook me! I wasn't ready for opposition.  I shared my conversation with my husband that evening and he reminded me of the conviction we had about it and that I need to remember WHY we are doing this. So again through asking God, and saying “should I even be doing this?" and being insecure.. (one week into it already) and God gently reminded me of how He had already answered me when I asked an this whole story came to mind….So I write this as a reminder to my self of Gods direction for our family in this season, to stop picking up the past and start walking in Gods provisions. Accepting it. Trusting His plan.

In closing...before this season I was doing a study about the isrealites in the dessert the fled from Egypt. One lesson was on how God directly provided food for them that was called Manna. The thing about manna was that is was there every morning for them..they had to collect it, and they could only have enough for that day. IF they took extra it would go bad. It was there though just what they needed..and YET they complained about not having anything to eat. I love the timing of this lesson. How often I want the easier answer when the provision is right there. God is faithful.