Here we are at the beginning of fall, my favorite time of the year. I am thankful for change in the air that seasons bring! I don’t know what it would be like without it, but for me a season change spurs on new ideas and thoughts and I am thankful for that! When I think of this time of year, starting at the end of July, all I can think about is the back to school rush! 10 years of working retail helped ingrain in me the NEEDS that families have for this season, getting an entire year of the best clothing all on one day. For us store managers we thrived off of this way of thinking, because lets be honest it effected our sales in a tremendous way.
Now years later on
the other side, I am faced with my own season of back to school and
having to think through what are the expectations that others place
on us as parents.
One thing I have learned is that many others have
strong opinions on how we should raise our children. Its something
everyone feel comfortable sharing with others, but what ends up
happening is that I don't ask myself what are MY goals for parenting.
These children are a gift that has been given to me, and I want to be
careful not to just jump on the bandwagon of what everyone is doing
without knowing WHY I am doing it! Since before my oldest was born,
people directed me on what I should be doing next, I am so thankful
that most of the guidance given to me was so helpful, especially as a
new mom, but also as a mom with a son with special needs. I have
never been in this situation! I certainly didn't know anything about
what I was doing. But here I am 6 years later, now with 3 kids...I am still not a pro and I certainly still need all the help I can get,
but one thing I realized recently is that most of my life with kids,
someone has told me what to do next! Now, if you know me, you know I
am not easily following what the next person says, I think about it,
pray about it and think and think lol. But heres what I found is, I
had this set of goals for what I want to be doing as a parent, these
things I want to teach my children, these values I want to put into
place for our family and many people want to suggest to me that that
is great! but your are working with a child with special needs, give
yourself a break..this is the easier and best way to go...heres what
you do_____ almost discarding or making and exception for the values
I see as a need.. as if to say oh yes that is good, but focus on that
for your other kids. Now before you think I am being bossed around,
these influences are all meant in love for me and my kids! None of
them are BAD suggestions or meant to harm anyone.
Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
THIS. This verse
is about everything. I mean do I stress about how I am going to raise
my kids? Why yes I do. But what I know is that I need to bring all
things to God and ask Him for direction. All things! Good things, fun
things, things that may be good someday, may be good now. All things.
Like...A heeemmmm What about what am I doing with my kids each day?
How we spend out time….All things.
Last year I
found myself in this situation…. Levi had 2 days a week physical
therapy...1 day occupational therapy..3 days preschool which included
Ot and PT..horse therapy...integrated soccer...Not to mention the
other time I spent with him is many hours of self care, many Dr.
visits.. His plead to me every day was “I JUST WANT TO PLAY
MOM!!!!” and because I was forcing him into this physically
exhausting schedule, I found that he was having a hard time
cooperating due to being on this tight schedule as a kid. All of
these things are good..all of these things help him! I was wanting
to do 1 thing during the week and that was Bible Study which I
brought my 2 kids at the time along and each week it was a battle,
which I shed tears over. Dang it! I wanted to be there, I needed to
be there, but it was HARRRRD!
We had just come
off of a heavy last few months schedule wise and during that time I
was walking with my friend (I was 7.5 months pregnant with my 3rd
baby) and just said over and over how I hated my days...I hated my
schedule! None of it is what I want to be doing with my kids! I just
want everything to STOP so I can start fresh. I have this idea of
what kind of mom I want to be, and its not happening... I am in the
car bopping all over town for one kid because everyone is suggesting
this is what I “should” be doing(mind you, no ones fault but my
own, trying to do what is right) neither kid getting the attention I
needed to give them….So here I was a mess…
My dear friend
was willing to look through my schedule with me, and encouraged me to
present each of those things to the Lord. She said “He will show
you what your should do friend, we can talk through it, but I can’t
tell you whats best, God will show you”
Time of
Rest
Very shortly
after this time, the Lord helped me with my decision...My husband who
has struggled with back issues for nearly 10 years began to quickly
decline...my 33 year old husband who is my teammate now suddenly left
crawling on the floor..using a cane.. leaving me to care for our
kids..lift my 5 yr old..run after my 3 yr old all while
pregnant....and ultimately on October 18th 2015 writhing
around on my floor with intolerable pain and admitted in the hospital
which led to an emergency back surgery later that week. We were
forced in to rest….one week in the hospital and one week at home..I
still took levi to therapies and school.. had to let go of a Disney
trip we had planned on October 24th. We thought...wow..we
needed this time to not do anything..to rest..re group..re focus.
His surgery was
a breeze...even the recovery was nearly painless thankfully but the
dr would not let him return to work for the full 2 weeks (and let me
say that was a struggle for him!!) But in it we were resting, and
abiding and felt like this must be the break we needed...it was hard
because mike could only lift 5 lbs...and both kids well exceeded that
lol. On the eve of mike going back to work, some sweet friends from
church asked if they could help us with some things around the
house..yard work..ect. So they did and it was such a help as he could
still not lift or bend. Before they left they asked if there was
anything else they could do? And I almost didn’t ask but said..”do
you mind getting the crib down from the attic?” knowing that it
wouldn’t be in mikes weight capacity for quite some time..so they
got it down along with some other baby things and set it in the baby
room for me.
The next
morning, 5 am...Lennox flips my lights on for WHO KNOWS WHAT REASON
lol and so it startles me and I fly out of bed and as I got on my
feet, I realized that my water broke (but,maybe pee?because you never
know friends lol) at 32 weeks I was not ready for this and
thought..surely this couldn’t be true….Mike is getting ready for
work eager to get back, and at 6:30am I say..”honey….there is a
chance my water broke, but maybe I just peed (lol sorry but you get
it mama’s) go ahead to work...I’ll call you if I need something,
I’m going to try to go to bible study this morning” (heheh I am
funny….) He was reluctant to go, but I assured him to go ahead...20
min later…. “Hi honey..i know you just got there..i guess I
should maybe go to the hospital… sorrr-eeeey!!
So there I went
to the hospital and sure enough..water broke..but not in
labor...butttt that meant I had to stay there until the baby was
born…. You know..live in the hospital. Fun timmmmeees and lots of
stories lol!! I was blessed with amazing people who basically took
over my home, as now mike was home with the kids, not able to lift
them or bend, and my job was to hold off labor for 2 weeks so that
this sweet baby could have a little better start. So there we were
again….forced in to rest..abiding..trusting Gods provisions (and he
DID provide abundantly!!)I tried to keep school going for Levi, and
then I realized..what am I doing. This is preschool! And I’m trying
to figure out from my hospital bed how to get him there lol. Stop it
right now!
I was able to
lay there with peace in the way God was caring for us and leading us.
November 17th Hazel Maren was born at 4lbs without any
health issues...she had to go through preemie protocol in the NICU
which kept us in the hospital until November 27th.
We are thankful for all the precautions we took to keep her healthy
but were so glad to get home!!! PLEASE LET US BE HOME!!! NO MORE
HOSPITALS!! LOL
However we were
advised now we needed to “lay low” with her until at least after
the holidays..no family events..no church...dont go anywhere with her
as newborns are already susceptible to so much and then a preemie is
more fragile. Thats cool….Lol
So here is the
thing. We were forced in to rest!!!!! And you know what, in the rest
we had confidence and peace in the Lord. It was an awesome time.
Nearly 4 months of not doing anything!! Woah man. I was stir
crazy,but doing ok!!
Heres what
happened. I had more time with my family than EVER before. We were
together, there were games we played and books we read and behaviors
we worked out and lots and lots of the boys playing and getting a
long! It was amazing! So here I was getting ready for Levi’s school
to start again, and the recommendation was that he would move to 4
days this semester... and the decision was easy. School. It was so
good! It was so fun! His teachers were awesome! BUT I needed to have
some time with the boys to cultivate things that were an expectation
in OUR home..character training takes time, obedience, sharing,
chores, my goodness self care for Levi (man did I see progress in
dressing while we were home!!) sometimes it requires be home for a
little bit.. I saw changes that were big. I could see that if I
didnt’ stop now and work on these things and keep up the momentum I
would see my 6 yr old off to school and have missed some great years
of building a foundation. NOT THAT ITS IMPOSSIBLE, but everything in
our house takes a while, and I knew for us, something would go on the
back burner…
So step 1 was
not finishing preschool at the beloved special needs school in our
area.
Then step 2 was
deciding what was next for us? The Lord had put it on Mike and my
heart equally that we needed to spend more time on this and felt that
homeschooling was important for us at this time..
So the emails
started coming for kindergarten round up….TEMPTING.
When many people
ask Levi where he is going to school..I had this question of oh man
is this right??
Bring all
things to the Lord…
When the school
called and said “we haven’t seen your registration for Levi for
kindergarten this year we just wanted to get you signed up” I was
tempted to say “Ok, yes, lets do that...everyone is ready for him,
my life with 3 is more of a challenge, this will be easier” but I
did NOT. With confidence I was able to say “thank you so
much, we have decided to keep teach Levi at home this year”
Confidence because I have prayed, and my husband has
prayed..and we have seen that this is right for us right now.
We have had so
many decisions as parents in a short time, ones that are life
changing! The Lord has always given me wisdom when I have asked, I
don’t know what I am doing! I cry to Him, I long for the easy
road... But the Lord has always shown me what to do.
James 1:5 If
any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to
all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
Proverbs 2:6 For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
Proverbs 2:6 For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
I
sure want whats best for Levi and all of my kids. Of
course I care about socialization lol (hello, if you know me you KNOW
I care about that lol)
But more
importantly,
I am raising people. I still need to obey God in the conviction of
training up my children in the way they should go, EVEN THOUGH one
has
special needs..EVEN THOUGH its Hard.
2
peter 1:3 His
divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through
our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.
So
we began homeschooling this year, we started slow in the summer and
now have officially had 2 full weeks. I am so thankful. It is what I
was missing. The structure it has given us, the way that I can see
the areas I need to focus on with each child and get the opportunity
to help them feel success even if its not done the usual way.
Thankful for the laying down of expectations,for
intentional parenting instead of being lead by a schedule and others
and the freedom it has given me to be the mom I have desired to be
for 6 years. (I can’t say I am there, but I’m getting a
glimpse)We
are doing therapies, we are doing
I know that when Levi is faced with a big surgery in January, I can
be the one to help him with new personal care and become confident in
a private setting as he learns instead of asking the school nurse.
This is what God has shown us for this year.
Sometime
last week I was faced with a moment I was not ready for and it was
someone who let me know they were in disagreement for my decision.
That
Levi would be much better off in the school set up for special needs.
It shook me! I wasn't ready for opposition. I shared my conversation with my husband that evening and he reminded me of the conviction we had about it and that I need to remember WHY we are doing this. So again through asking God, and saying “should I even be doing this?" and being insecure.. (one week into it already) and God gently reminded me of how He
had already answered me when I asked an this whole story came to mind….So I
write this as
a reminder to my self of Gods direction for our family in this season, to stop
picking up the past and start walking in Gods provisions. Accepting
it. Trusting His plan.
In
closing...before
this season
I was doing a study about the isrealites in the dessert the
fled from Egypt.
One lesson was on
how God directly provided food for them that was called
Manna.
The thing about manna was that is was there every morning for
them..they
had to collect it, and they could only have enough for that day. IF
they took extra it would go bad. It was there though just
what they needed..and
YET they complained about not having anything to eat. I
love the timing of this lesson. How often I want the easier answer
when the provision is right there. God is faithful.
