My glory and the One who lifts up my head." Psalm 3:3
This Psalm has been on my heart this week, the thought of the Lord lifting my head...
My life has been extremely blessed, and I have so many good days...but recently things have been feeling "heavy". Its easy to look around and see things like the death of my little nephew a few weeks ago, and look at Levi's health, and all the other things we have asked God to help us with in our lives and say "Hey God? where are you???" I feel like as soon as I start dwelling on one thing, my eyes are suddenly opened to the brokenness of this world when sometimes I can press on without even noticing such sadness around me.
I have had several days like these recently, although I press on...my heart is heavy...each thing I am doing seems heavy.
Yesterday was my breaking day..The day started like usual where we put on all of Levi's "equipment" (most recently adding something called a "theratog and D-Rotation straps" basically something thats velcro shorts and a stretchy strap that keeps his Leg from turning in) and I said "i'm gonna get your walker I'll be right back" and he started crying and crying and said with a pointed finger "I DONT WANT TO DO IT! I DONT WANT TO GET IN MY WALKER!!" and went limp and wouldn't do it.....Its amazing this is the first time this has happened after all he is 2 =)...but let me say that my heart broke.
And throughout the day there were times I would try to get him to do something and he just sat down without a fight...Its like his will to try was out..THIS HAS NOT been the theme lately...instead it is GO GO GO, and "I want to do it by myself!!" So to hear my little sweet boy begging me not to walk just was really hard to hear.
I was on my way to my womens Biblestudy yesterday morning and I was fighting tears as I drove...."why is this happening? he has come so far! is this the end?? We were doing so good, and I guess it is the reality that he may never walk but WHY CAN'T GOD ANSWER THIS???!!?!? I have the faith, I know he can do it!!!" I am so upset, and I am talking to God, (in my head, haha not appropriate tone for my little ones to hear haha)....I kept thinking about a song i like http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nrr-7YA7cfM....
And I remembered that God is faithful....He has been so good to me...I was told I wouldnt have a functioning baby, that i should choose not to give him life...Wow....I've asked God "WHY CAN'T YOU SHOW ME miracles!!!" (ahhhem?? =)
So all week, I was studying to prepare for my lesson, but suddenly I realized what I needed to know...
See we are studing Hebrews, and here we are on Hebrews 11....a whole chapter on Faith...how By faith all these people like moses and abraham and noah (famous to us now because of their faith) stepped out in to obedience not knowing what would happen....there is account after account...(.http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews%2011&version=NKJV)
but here are the things that stuck out to me.."
.13 These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them,[c] embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. 14 For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland. 15 And truly if they had called to mind that country from which they had come out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them."
and later...
Others were tortured, not accepting deliverance, that they might obtain a better resurrection. 36 Still others had trial of mockings and scourgings, yes, and of chains and imprisonment. 37 They were stoned, they were sawn in two, were tempted,[f] were slain with the sword. They wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, tormented— 38 of whom the world was not worthy. They wandered in deserts and mountains, in dens and caves of the earth.
39 And all these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise, 40 God having provided something better for us, that they should not be made perfect apart from us"
They did NOT know the reason for what they did, even to the grave...but oh how we know how their decision in faith and obedience changed the world for generations!
Philippians 1:6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;
So I am reminded that I have no idea what I am doing, I have no idea why things happen....but I do have faith that in my obedience everyday through things that are really hard...(AND WAY LESS HARD than things that the people in this passage went through by the way) its not in vain..that I cannot see the impact of the decisions I am making daily, but my hope is that God is using it for something greater that maybe I cannot see TODAY or ever.
Its inconvenient for Levi to not walk...its really hard to mend his spirit when he is down...but one day I know that in heaven his body will be made anew...and that this is not our home, these bodies dont last forever, and that is not the thing that will last eternally...I am called to nurture his heart..
2 Corinthians 5:1 For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.
so here this has been my prayer that the Lord will lift my head, and keep them off of the things of this world...my favorite song since I was about 2 years old that I would sing with my grandma is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yfr5rOfimnU
Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
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Last night I felt freedom from thinking about this...and had to do one more thing on my already hard day...Levi has to wear a new back brace for his scoliosis that basically keeps him from moving when he sleeps...Not great for a 2 year old...last night was his first night to wear it...he was compliant like he usually is, but I could see sadness in his eyes..I asked people to pray for him to sleep well in his brace.... he woke up one time and i had the sweet moment of rocking him and praying over his body again fighting tears...he slept the rest of the night...
this morning he had physical therapy and we decided to go to the park for motivation...his therapist told me that he did better than ever today, i told her how he has been this week and that i was praying so much for him last night and she said "your prayers totally worked, his performance today was amazing!!!"
God does miracles even for me....I must keep my head up
